Connected and Being

Life's journey has taken many turns for this sojourner in the last 8 years specifically in the area of spirituality. I have come from being a parishioner attending congregations and at times being so involved I neglected other things in my life, to just being ok with not knowing who or what is out there and where I might end up. My spiritual practice was always to set all aside for serving a group of men who were running a club. It was expected I would give up time for myself to recharge and reconnect or worse time with my family and friends. Lately it has occurred to me to just be and let all else be a wonderful mystery. Much like the presents my family and I will open here in a few days. I don't know what's in them but that doesn't deter me from spending time with family and friends, some of that time "preparing" for the festivities. Being present as I spend time with my kids now that we don't rush them off to school due to it being the Holiday Break.


Earlier this week I assisted a client with applying and obtaining food stamps. This client, we'll call her Susan, has come into some really rough times. She has recently gotten out of a physically abusive relationship that was unhealthy on many levels for her and her son. As a result of this she left a good job in another state to be with her son and closer to the son's father for his sake. Susan is struggling to pay for the basic necessities of life but seems quite resilient despite it all. Her one issue is anxiety and panic disorder keep her from interacting and going through the process of people and paperwork it takes to get the much needed help. With many of my clients I have to help explain these benefits and assist with the mountains of paper work that come with applying. Susan was intelligent and more than capable except for the anxiety that the process brought and being around people she doesn't know asking for help she is ashamed to receive. We waited in line at the Health and Welfare food stamp office. At first we conversed about the weather, the upcoming holidays, typical small talk. She was very conversational and had a witty sense about her. I began to think to myself, Susan doesn't need me here she is more than able to handle this process. As we filled out the necessary paperwork she had everything in order there were no questions that I needed to intervene on or help with. I was like, "What am I doing here?!"


We, or I should say, Susan completed the application and now it was time to wait for our number, "31", to be called. We began talking about our families and what we were going to do for the holidays. For the first 45 minutes I didn't even feel like I was working but more like having a discussion with an old friend. The only thing missing was the coffee shop and coffee. When the waiting stretched to an hour, then hour and a half, Susan began to fidget and her answers and responses to my questions and comments about life became shorter. Her breathing began to get faster and she would say things under her breath like, "how much longer", or "I can't believe this is taking so long." The fidgeting was getting worse, more like a shaking now. As they called number 30 (we were 31) she said, "I gotta go outside for a minute." She gathered her things and headed out. I thought, "here we go she is going to take off." I have had this happen with other clients with panic and anxiety disorders. As she went through the front doors I walked over to the window as my posterior was getting a little tired of sitting there too. I also wanted to check and see if Susan would get in her car and take off. As I peered through the window and squinted from the sunshine I saw Susan out by her car pacing and smoking. I went back to my chair a little nervous that they would call 31 and she wouldn't be back in and we would miss our opportunity after all this waiting. Seconds after I sat down she came through the door. I told her it shouldn't be too much longer and began to ask more about her life and family. Susan is going to business school and hopes to get into human resource work. "I want to help people" she said "like you are helping me." I told her that that would suit her personality and caring nature. I still didn't think I was doing a whole lot. Finally we heard "31" called out from the Health and Welfare worker. We walked over and sat in the cubicle. This worker was very expressive and when she would see something strange on her computer screen she would make faces and clicking sounds and say "uh-oh." She then had to go "check on something." Susan said, "she is making me nervous." I told Susan everything will be ok. Finally the worker came back and long story short everything checked out and Susan was eligible for the full amount of food stamps allotted for she and her son. Susan began to tear up. She said, "I am just so overwhelmed." I thought it was because of all that we had been through and all the waiting, but it turns out it was gratitude as Susan was going to get enough to feed herself and her son. As we gathered her papers and began to walk out of the office she turned to me and said, "thank-you, I never would have stayed here long enough on my own to see this through and get the help I need. We walked to our cars and she said, "you have a Merry Christmas. I returned the sentiment.

I realized that day that Susan needed me to just "BE" there and nothing else. I think that if more of us realized this and would just "BE" there for each other, life would go easier especially during the dark times. I remember my responses to folks that needed help use to be "I'll pray for you." or "You need to come to church with me." I am now learning to be comfortable just "being" with people no matter where we are at whether it be on the cold street, in a nice warm house, or in the drab Health and Welfare office waiting in a long line. I don't need to point others to some unknown deity "out there" somewhere or invite them to a clubhouse for indoctrination or membership. This doesn't fill the stomach and stop the hunger pangs. She just needed my energy to help her connect for a small portion of our day. I may never see Susan again but we are now connected. We are all connected. Go "Be" for somebody today and allow others to "Be" for you.