Divine Agnosticism

I have been in a downward spiral (maybe it's an upward one...I don't know) being stripped of all I have learned and known to be true. This has especially hit hard in my spirituality. Growing up in the Evangelical/Charismatic/Pentecostal church I feel I have only learned a concept of an Americanized, Consumerist deity that functions much like Santa Clause. Much of my prayers if not all of them have been requests and often demands to get me out of crisis or to bless me with things or to make my dreams come true.





I am learning that connecting with God is receiving His love and then sharing it with the broader world. The Christianity I have grown up in has taught me to function like the world, to get ahead. To become a top-notch worship leader and get my songs on worship albums. A common theme that was taught and preached at the last organized church I attended was "to finish well." This was taught by leaders who have grown a church to 3000 members and written books and been successful by the worlds standards. The light came on for me when I wrote a song and became elated when asked to do it at a church event. There was also suggestion made that maybe it would go on some sort of regional album. I began to make this my focus and it was all I could think about. As I was discussing my song and asking people to critique on my facebook profile a long-time friend of mine asked me to send her an Mp3 as well. This dear friend is in a life-style condemned by the mainstream evangelical church. Her response was with honest critique but then she said something that struck me. She stated that she woke-up singing the song and misses these sorts of simple choruses and the only kind of church that allows she and her partner to come, intact, as a family sing more traditional, liturgical sorts of hymns. This friend was in essence saying she made a connection spiritually...that she has been denied to a large degree. It hit me, I don't care if this song ever gets played again (and it hasn't). It maybe served its entire purpose. To give my friend a spiritual connection and to turn a light on in my heart and begin my journey of finding out what is truth. I have since studied the bible regarding same-sex lifestyle and found it to be not so concrete as I've been told and led to believe.



As I have been digging, I have realized that there is a lot I don't know about God as I am being stripped of the Americanized, consumerist false god and it's trappings. The things I have held on to because my spirituality consisted of sitting with a couple thousand other congregants being spoon fed one man's vision. I am finding that God is a mystery and many things will probably always remain a mystery. But I realize he wants me to be an active participant and have encounter with him every minute of every day. Consumerist Christianity has dulled my senses and imagination. God is present all around me and I miss it on a daily basis. A great example was this past Easter. My family and I were working in our yard, planting flowers and preparing flower beds. I was enjoying digging in the dirt, hearing the birds chirp, and listening to my daughters laugh and play. We also spoke with many of our neighbors and had wonderful connection with them laughing and sharing what each other was doing that day (we must live in a pagan neighborhood as none of us were at church on a day when everyone is). I have never sensed a spiritual revitalization like this one. I felt that I had truly and uniquely met with God that day, in and through His creation and others that he worked through.



I have been reading The Divine Commodity by Skye Jethani. He describes a term that I have actually studied before called "Divine Agnosticism." The word Agnostic comes from the Greek a-gnostos meaning "not-knowing." It essentially was used to mean not denying but also not knowing regarding the existence of God. As Skye put it "Divine Agnosticism differs in that it affirms the existence of God but then acknowledges our human inability to fully grasp his infinite nature." So I feel this is where I am at in my spiritual walk and journey. It is a terrifying time and yet and exciting time for me. It has caused me to search and find truth for myself. Another theme in Jethani's book is that the people in mainstream evangelical Christianity have for the most part lost their imagination. I can definitely testify to that. Since I have now begun to embrace the mystery and "not knowing" I have felt a freedom and a spiritual side that has been dormant for years. I am feeling a sort of re-birth. I have begun to use my imagination and play my music. I enjoy listening to my daughters laugh and play. Not to sound too hippie, I also am more cognisant of things going on around me such as the wind in the trees and the sound of the different birds that hang around our house. I am learning, I think for the first time, to embrace the mystery that is God.